When you answer the call to serve others, it puts you on a roller coaster of emotion. You learn to expect the highs and lows. You buckle in for the ups and downs, each experienced with great intensity.
Celebrations are often met with pettiness.
Big promises co-exist with deep betrayals.
Achievements become bedfellows with indifference.
High aspirations get stuck in the slough of despond.
Every mountaintop descends into a valley.
Every baptism is followed by a funeral.
Today I am feeling deep disappointment. Painfully so. Were my expectations too high? Or was I so full of myself that I couldn't see what was going on? Both, certainly. And it hurts.
I know about let-downs. They are always scheduled about three hours after the cheers. Acclamations disperse and the sinister voice of self-doubt whispers, "See? All that preparation, competence, and devotion did not matter." A murky cloud rolls in, and we cannot see the glowing faces of those who were awakened or transformed.
The human condition does not help. One of my go-to Bible verses is overheard on the lips of Jesus on the cross. The Crucified says, "Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34) That phrase "do not know" comes from a Greek work signifying cluelessness. It's our condition. We don't see the whole picture. We get it wrong. We miss the holiness in front of our eyes. We dismiss the Light from the vantage point of our own darkness.
And if there is a Tempter, he is the one who keeps rolling over the same refrains in our ears. A sleepless night can be punctured by, "You deserve better than this." Justifications are cataloged. Self-righteousness becomes a resolution. Muted anger develops into a belly ache.
Is there no health within us?
Today, I choose to replace the dark refrain with another. It appears three times in Psalm 42-43: "Why are you cast down, my soul, and why are you disquieted within me?" I will repeat that one until it can perform an exegesis on my heart. Or an exorcism.
In praying these words, I might moderate my own bitterness and claim the rest of that blessed refrain: "Hope in the Lord, for I shall again praise him, my help and my God." Nothing is ultimately about me, even if today I am hurting.
And I'll be OK.
